I Would Have Done It Anyway

In somatic work, we often begin by meeting the feeling that’s actually present, even when it contradicts what we think we should feel. During today’s session, my client felt disgust when describing how he’d received an award for his teaching. Most people expect recognition to bring joy or pride, but for him, praise triggered an old, familiar voice of inadequacy.

If that judgmental voice could speak, he said it would say, “You should have gotten this reward, this is the bare minimum, and it’s still not good enough. You should be even better.” He recognized it as an echo of his father’s expectations for academic perfection.

When I asked him why he had received the reward, he had a long list of reasons. He truly had accomplished a lot. He was improving the school’s curriculum, involved in student clubs and student life, and actively involved in improving his own teaching practice.

During the online Pantarei Approach session, we first moved to meet this feeling of disgust in his body. I took him back to that experience of winning the award and the emotions that came up. He placed his awareness on the tightness in his heart center that he associated with this feeling.

As he turned his attention to this disgust, he began to come into contact with the grief beneath it. He recalled a memory of a fellow teacher who came into his classroom to congratulate him, then asked if he was okay. This other teacher noted his mood wasn’t what you would expect from someone who had just won an award. He felt sad that he didn’t feel joy for his own accomplishment or celebrate it.

This sadness about being unable to receive his own success led us deeper into his relationship with achievement itself. Another memory surfaced—a time when he won an award at university from the education department. That time, he said, he could celebrate and feel proud of what he’d done because he hadn’t had any expectations about receiving it. But this time, because he knew of the award beforehand, there was a sense of expectation, a feeling that this was something he “should” be able to get. Therefore, the sense of accomplishment wasn’t reachable. Then he said, in a change of tone and direction, “But even if there wasn’t an award this time, I still would have done all of those same things because I care for the kids.”

As soon as he said this, the energy in the room shifted. I felt the emotions, the love behind his words. It touched my heart. I told him to notice in his system how it felt to say those words. He repeated, "I love them," his voice catching slightly as the feeling moved through him. Tears collected in his eyes, the same as in my own. I guided him to make space for this feeling, which he was able to locate in his chest, breathing deeply into this love, using his breath and awareness to stay present to the sensation. As he connected with the emotion, it filled my own system as well. I felt my own breathing naturally synchronize with his deeper rhythm, and warmth spread through my chest in response to his openness. I was touched by the tenderness, but also recognized it in myself. It is my love for people that motivated my own work as an educator for eight years. It’s the same love and care I have for people that motivates my work as a somatic practitioner.

At the end of the session, my client remarked that this was the first time he’d really consciously felt into this love he holds for his students. But he added that this felt mundane. As I heard him say that, I thought to myself, that’s not quite it. Before I’d formed a question in response, he said, “Actually, it feels strong and steady.”

So for the last minute of the session, we sat in silence with that energy. This source of not mundane, but steady and stable energy, the kind that can show up day after day. Essentially, the strength of love. Leaving the call, I felt honored to serve a teacher, standing in shoes I myself have previously filled. I felt even more honored to serve the next generation, someone a decade younger and setting out in their first year in the workforce, someone who wants to make a difference in the lives of those even younger than him. But I felt most honored to be trusted enough to witness and feel into this energy of service motivated by love.

Original blog post written on Substack.